Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know (feat. Kimbra) - official video (by gotyemusic)

Having a hard time the past few days with my other half becoming somebody that I used to know. Its a mindfuck every two weeks. 

I always take the shortcut. No matter how sloppy the turnout, I always cut corners. The way of least resistance is my daily route. Where am I going in such a hurry? No where at all. I’m in a hurry to get back to the static. 

I did some reading on procrastination tonight. I didn’t mean to. I was just poking around online for articles on depression, natural cures, supplements, etc. and an article on procrastinating came up. The two are fairly inseparable for me. I’m depressed because I procrastinate, I procrastinate because I’m depressed. It never ends. One article said that procrastination is a result of overbearing parents who never let you make your own decisions. I had an “aha, my life finally makes sense” moment with that one before deciding that blaming yet another mental/emotional issue on my parents was not healthy, nor was it a solution.

Most of the experts seem to agree that we procrastinate to avoid a feeling of potential failure. This of course leads to feelings of failure via procrastination, hence the above mentioned loop that I’m in. Why do we never learn to avoid the loop and not procrastinate? Something about long term you and short term you having different desires, and then I fell asleep. I was procrastinating by reading about procrastinating. My apartment is a mess and I don’t want to clean it. I could really tell you why, but I feel terribly lonely whenever I’m cleaning. 

I have to stop this vicious loop that I’m in so I was looking for a solution: What do other chronic procrastinators do to stop putting everything off? Some do the second thing on their to-do list to avoid the first so that they still wind up being productive. I did this in school all the time, but now that I have no deadlines I find it easier and easier to lay in bed and chant “tomorrow” like its my own personal mantra. Tomorrow I will do yoga, tomorrow I will do my laundry, clean my bathroom, wash my dishes, go grocery shopping. Tomorrow I will start living. I know I’m not going to do any of these things tomorrow. In reality, tomorrow I’m going to sleep all day and then go to work again. Tomorrow I’m going to hate myself that much more.

One article talked about constantly checking in with yourself to be sure that everything you are doing is a conscious decision rather than just idling in a daydream. This is what I do. I don’t, say, neglect responsibility to hang out with friends or whatever. I fall into a stale daydream, clicking around on the internet, and avoid life all together. So I guess I have to start checking in with myself every moment of every day. Tedious. I need a to do list that is not overwhelming. Maybe two things a day. 

Tomorrow:

Do laundry.

Do yoga.